guts.

I recently squeezed my way into a sold out Moth storytelling show where the topic for the night was guts. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since then. Sometimes I dream of getting up on the Moth stage and spewing a five minute story, but then I remember how public speaking makes my voice tremble, literally. And so I resort to my next best option, writing, even as I need more peer pressure to return to my writing roots. At the Moth shows, they accept audience submissions that are read aloud by the MC between the stories. At this show, they asked: when’s the last time you chickened out? So I answered by writing: “when I wore a long sleeve to my parent’s house in the 95 degree heat to hide my tattoos from my homo & tattoo-phobic parents.”

My most recent ink makes me insanely happy; it’s a cracked lightbulb with a bow inside, representing the ebbs and flows of creativity – what I consider one of my greatest gift at times. Exposing my tattoos to my parents will take guts. While I fear just ripping the bandaid off, I’m also eager for their reaction; if it exacerbates their already existing disappointment, it’ll only reinforce what I already feel and strengthen the love for those I do have.

In the meantime, here’s what I want more of in my life to lighten the loads of the hard shit:

I want more photoshoots on the beach in a sandstorm after a game of beach volleyball. I want more champagne popping in June for all the queers living their best lives and even more for those that brave coming out so we could welcome them in. I want to dance my heart out at my friends’ weddings this year even though I really can’t dance. I want impromptu interviews with a mini mic in hand, especially when it’s been nearly a decade since a friend has gotten a chance to practice one professionally. I want to destroy a piñata to crush people’s soul-sucking grief and to find a way to bring them a softer surprise they didn’t see coming. I want spontaneity of pressing “purchase flight” or a roadtrip to Iowa to see Chappell Roan perform or to Indianapolis to see Caitlin Clark play or to a cabin to watch the serenity of a creek. I want the ebbs & flows of creativity to keep kickin’. I want to go on a book tour with the writers in my life. I want to give tours of my city to experience new things. I want more platonic just-because-I-love-you parties. I want to feel all the emotions that Inside Out 2 reminded me of, that we really can’t change, but those that shape me.

I believe that gut-wrenching moments and hard conversations will shape us. I believe that taking on the trembling voice head-on takes time and vulnerability. I believe that we can love harder by celebrating the little moments that are actually really, really big. At the core of it all, I whole-heartedly believe that joy begets more joy, and we will love harder as we face the things that take guts to help us grow.