I’m angry. I’m angry. I’m angry. I’m angry.

My readers,

This morning, I’m angry.

I was actually amidst drafting another blog post, more on the side of motivation. Thanks to the cold-hearted assholes, aka ill terrorists in this country I continue to speak so highly of, that post has been unfortunately intercepted.

I’m at work. Commuters in New York were probably just trying to get safely to work themselves this morning. I’m shook. And I wasn’t even anywhere near it.

Dear innocent souls that saw today and were negatively impacted by the terror,

I’m so incredibly sorry. Your pain – whether physically or internally felt – is not okay. And I’m not okay with good people so unexpectedly getting paralyzed by inadvertent pain. My heart goes out to you, because being at the wrong place at the wrong time with an arrogant attacker nearby is not your fault. Again, I’m so incredibly sorry.

I used to believe that each individual is ingrained with mostly altruistic intentions. As I sit here on the edge of my seat this morning, sneakily scrolling through my Facebook feed at work to ensure all my New York friends marked themselves as safe, I can confidently say that I can no longer speak highly of this country I’m starting to feel somewhat unsafe in.

I can’t find the word(s) to describe this past month. Just, wow. Within the last less than four weeks, I’ve been crossing off milestones that I didn’t even know I was aiming towards. I’m not going to go into specifics, because I’m still a sensitive, shy little shit when it comes to some personal matters. I’m writing this in a desperate plea to pinpoint relevant word(s) for my most recent emotions.

LOVE. Can someone please explain to me how such a simple, single-syllable word encompasses so much power, so much joy, so much that so many search so many years for? I’m no stranger to the majority of dating apps. I extend each search within them to the max distance allowed. Why? Trust me, it’s not that I hope to land a long-distance relationship. However, 1) orientation limits options already, and 2) I was taught that love and finding the one will be the greatest feeling, but how in the world am I supposed to know where this one person is in this vast universe? So thank you, dating apps. Thank you Bumble and Tinder and OkCupid and Coffee Meets Bagels and the League and Hinge and Match and Plenty of Fish and … what’s next? As if finding one person in a world of 7.4 billion weren’t difficult enough, let’s just create even more avenues and more options and more confusion and let’s leave the fate of my entire future and love life in the hands of.. well, my thumb (and which direction it decided to swipe one day). Perhaps a central hub would spoil us with convenience and mitigate the adrenaline rush that challenge creates.

Education is fascinating. I’ve recently been intrigued learning about schools and what factors inspire their curriculum. Fascinated, I still struggle to understand certain motives. For example, why was it necessary for us all to learn how to play the recorder in grade school? Or what did I take away from the mandatory Drafting class in high school (shoutout Lane Tech) that I can now apply in the real world? Did anyone ever think to teach a class on how to find the one in a world of 7.4 billion? Shit, am I the only one here that wishes somewhere in my 16+ years of schooling someone could’ve taught me the value of differentiating between each dating app? Or how the fuck I could filter out the liars, the cheaters, the manipulators to somehow increase my chances at true love?

All too recently, I’ve been stuck on hearing, “well God created Adam and Eve and to follow the right path in life requires xyz…” PSA, everyone: I am NOT perfect. What I am though? I am at a loss for words.

Rewinding back to the recent milestones I mentioned. In the last less than four weeks:

• I’ve told the people I love most the truth. In the moment, I felt nervous. But nervous isn’t a strong enough word for that. After the moment, I felt relieved and ridiculed. But those two words are not strong enough for that.
• I’ve been incredibly lied to. In the moment of finding out, I felt confused. But confused isn’t a strong enough word for that. Shortly thereafter, I felt embarrassed. But embarrassing isn’t strong enough for that. In the end, I felt hopeful. I do really like that word.
• I took big leaps and risks at work. In the moment, I felt courageous. But there must be a stronger word out there. Now, I feel ambitious. But there must be a stronger word out there for the drive running through my veins right now.

We need more words. Less dating apps, more words. I would encourage a creative writing class called “Editing the Dictionary.” In fact, I think that’d make for a great class to replace “Learning Cursive” in 4th grade. Instead of dwelling on mechanistic views on life and love, perhaps humanity would benefit from a focus on word creation. Take my friend’s latest blog post as a great example: heartgrows. That is a dope freakin’ word that I would like to see in the dictionary one day.

I wish I could find the right stronger word(s) for my recent feelings right now. I tried to use a Thesaurus, but it did me no justice. To be honest though, I don’t think the words I’m searching for exist yet. I suppose in the meantime I can slap a ‘very’ in front of them or perhaps several verys. Maybe one day the Thesaurus will see its new cousin, one that magnifies word strength.

Have you ever been stuck behind a car driving 15 in a 30 and wanted to honk for the person to add some pep in their step?

Happened to me just today. I almost honked, then I decided to quietly go around instead. I wound up right next to the car as I got stopped by a red light. The car was a tinted teal. I glanced over at the driver. It was an elderly lady. Her driving style was very similar to mine: driving as close to the wheel as the seat allows.

She picked up a Red Bull, sipping with such a gentle elegance as she gripped that tiny can so tightly with both hands. She put the can down and picked up a Ritz cracker. She alternated between the two a few times before the light changed and we headed our separate ways.

Such a short and sweet 30-second encounter. As I drove off, I started thinking: What is her story? Is she a grandma? A mom? Former athlete? Comedian? However old she is, she must be young at heart. The Red Bull & cracker combo of choice was awesome.

I’m tired of sitting behind a cubicle all day. I want to hear people’s stories and share my own. 2018 is around the corner. I’m no longer settling. I’m setting goals and pursuing changes. Stay tuned…