cuff your crush.

Cuffing season really creeped up on us, cuties.

So, as a Curer of Loneliness professional, I’ve put together a carefully-curated advice column that offers a positive reframe of cuffing season to my fellow queers (& allies of c) – as a reminder that cuffing season can be cute even if you’re not coupled up. I’d like to personally shout out my Snuggle Pillow™️ for reminding me that a snuggle isn’t defined by anyone else being present but you.

Buckle up those carabiners, my queerios; this one’s sure to keep you cheery-eyed.

Trust and believe, I’ve scraped the internet clean doing research on how to survive the doom-ridden days ahead… the ones where the sun sets at 4 p.m. and, subsequently, so does your seasonal serotonin. A basic-betch Google search will tell you: if you’re riding solo this season, that’s okay… don’t be sad… just date yourself and do self-care so you can fall in love with you more!!!

Now don’t get me wrong.. I super support self-care in all its forms. But I kinda wanna call bullshit on you, Google. Idk… like, thx for attempting the pick-me-up, genius, but if feeling a lil lonely and cold when it’s chilly were that easy to solve, there wouldn’t be that whole epidemic my literal full-time job revolves around.

So instead, I suggest you cuff your crush.

Yes, cuff your crush. And I know what you’re thinking: if it were that simple, I wouldn’t even be here trying to take your totally not-science-backed advice.

But here’s what I mean: there are actual, research-backed studies showing that people who ignite their imagination with their partner-in-crime feel more connected overall. So, circling back to your partner-in-crush, use it as an excuse to exercise that creative fuse. If you did swoon that crush (and yes, dream big – celebrities count too), how would you keep things spicy and heartwarming when pumpkin-spice season fades and anything with the word “warm” in it feels wrong because it’s actually frigid AF?

Like, imagine you and Chappell Roan got to canoodling (seriously, set aside your fangirl lens here for a second). You can totally customize your Chappell-crush-curated date however you see fit – just have some funzie with it. For me, I’d rent out that chapel-turned-event-space in the West Loop. I’d Venmo-request her probably 69% of the venue cost (chosen for no other obvious reason than our income differences..). I’d play Hozier’s Take Me to Church, since it’s a song that acts as a metaphor for queer love condemned by religious dogma.

I’d probably wear my forced-to-retire (tbt to when I got fired from the catholic church) altar-boy robe- the one held shut by a rope tied around my waist. I’d wear nothing underneath except my woxers. And when the rope inevitably gets ripped off, we’d recycle it and find better use for it… perhaps during Station 7 (of 12) of the Cross while we play seven minutes in heaven. I’m not saying I’m trying to drop dead by getting nailed to the cross by the end of this baptismal playdate, but if I find myself on my knees repenting to get on the other end of the confessional booth as if we were doing the real-life version of Love Is Blind, just know that’s probably exactly what I needed in that moment to resurrect and return to reality, where I am painfully actually single.

Okay, that was a long-winded example basically to say: you’re allowed to crush on your crushes. No one’s stopping you, even if there’s no one cuddling alongside you. This imaginative mind exercise can even work on a smaller scale.

For example: if you make Lizzy McAlpine your crush, maybe you’ll come to embrace the warm embrace of pancakes for dinner. If you crush on Reneé Rapp, maybe you’ll book a flight across the fckn country – even if your ex is there – because you don’t deserve to live in fear just because of proximity to someone who wasn’t meant to be your forever one.

For real y’all, I’m finding myself more of an ally for those in love than ever before. It’s cute. It’s goals. It makes me happy to watch them. And sad sometimes, when I find myself looking too hard at the beauty of what they’re experiencing. But it’s okay. Until my time comes, I’ll crank the creative gear so that when I’m ready – and the receiver is too – they’ll benefit from the cuter dates I’ll be capable of coming up with.

While my Snuggle Pillow™️ might have no feathers left by the end of this cuffing season from being squished too hard each night, I’m okay with that. And if someone does happen to come around, just know: it’s the Snuggle Pillow™️, not me, you’ll have to ask whether you can sub in.