fear of public speaking.

On January 1, 2024, one of my BFFs left me an already year-changing voice memo (read: word vomitted), wishing me to find the simple, weird (I think she meant “awkward”) joys this year. Before I get into the saga about my soon-to-come search for simple joys, I’m going to reveal a fun secret fact that most people, even my best friends, probably don’t know about me: I have a fear of public speaking.

Between this post and my last, I find it fascinating how even the closest people in my life are still learning new things about me. It’s not that I’m intentionally trying to withhold information. I just think it takes specific moments, relatable encounters, carefully-crafted questions, or putting me in the hot seat to dig deeper into who I am. I guess that can go for anyone though.

If there’s anything I hope y’all know by now it’s that ya girl can talk. I value honest, vulnerable conversation which is why I’m such an advocate for the occasional heart to heart. And yet, believe it or not, your very, very extraordinarily extroverted, chatty, can’t-keep-her-mouth-shut friend (me), is afraid of public speaking. There, I said it. Let that oxymoron sink in.

Maybe writing it down is the first step to conquering the fear. In the meantime, let me provide a little back story:

In elementary school, up until 3rd grade, I was one of the quietest kids in class. That lasted until my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Donavan, sat me down next to the loudest boy in the room, Tim, who I eventually developed a huge, innocent crush on (I know, a boy crush.. another shocker). I think Ms. Donavan’s goal was for mine and Tim’s talking levels to meet somewhere in the middle, but instead, I just adopted Tim’s too-chatty ways. And it’s carried over to this day.

I went to a Catholic school, so once a week, we all had to attend Mass. Kids rotated between certain roles each week (readings, carrying the cross, helping with communion, etc). One random Mass day, my brother was signed up to do the readings. I watched as he stood at the mic on the altar, and his voice and hands were trembling; I thought he was going to burst into tears. My brother is a very strong public speaker now, by the way. I don’t know what happened to me in that moment of watching him speak, but FOR YEARS after, I experienced the same trembling any time I was put in the spotlight – even on a much smaller stage, like when students would take turns reading in class. I would do anything I could to dodge speaking in front of groups, and eventually, I think my teachers took a hint and spared me the embarrassment from time to time. At the same time, I was still really talkative and relatively popular, particularly as the sporty spice of the school. It was confusing, for sure.

Fast forward to college, public speaking still wasn’t my forte, but I had to power through presentations somehow. So I reverted to taking a shot of tequila or two before each big event. In retrospect, it wasn’t enjoyable and I have my regrets about it too.

A few days ago, I was playing the game Worst Case Scenario, where you rank five scenarios in order of which presented scenarios are your worst, and the rest of the group has to try to guess your rankings. During one round, everyone was way off on where I ranked “singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl”; it was my penultimate worst, second only to a parachute not opening while skydiving (decided actual death fell just slightly behind wishing I were dead in the temporary moment of singing on stage).

Two years (+2 days) ago, on January 2, 2022, my sidebraid sista published a blog post titled, “Fear of Flying” that I just went back and re-read. The aforementioned voice memo inspired me to start off strong with my writing this year, and it also made writing easier as her word-vomiting emphasized finding the strange, simple joys in life: like singing “Club going up.. on a Tuesday” outside of Trader Todd’s when they’re closed on Tuesdays; and FaceTiming all 30+ people in the Girlie Gang group chat, to have only the most recent member actually answer, extremely unimpressed.

It’s only the fourth day of 2024, and I’ve already had a memorable start. On New Year’s Day, I had to make a 50/50 decision on whether to keep the lid on my new coffee grinder. Unfortunately, I chose wrong and left it off. As a result, coffee grounds went flying everywhere. It was a lesson learned early in the year, and I think it can only go uphill from here.

Another year, and I’m still surrounded by people who continue to support and root for me in my still uncertain conquest to find my fulfilling career path. Slowly but surely, I’m inching my way in a better direction. Whether that comes as a result of receiving a rejection letter that gives me a bit of a reality check or receiving encouraging words from mentors and friends, I’m getting there. I’m counting on both believing in serendipity and leaning into the idea of the deserving-of-being italicized word, also appearing as such in Fear of Flying: pivoting. I have a love/hate relationship with the word [pivot]. From one end, I did play basketball (Sam – please remind Jake!), and pivoting was an important component of the game. In the professional sense, a career pivot could be a good thing too. After all, my values have definitely evolved over recent years. From the other end, “pivot” also feels like one of those overrated, overused words in the professional sense; I’d categorize it in a similar bucket as “let me circle back” or “per my last email..” But at the end of the day, I’m still going to lean into the pivot, and shoot my shot when I can. If pivoting opens up scoring opportunities in basketball, I think it could do the same for my career.

In a way, I could create some sort of a parallel between pivoting careers and my fear of public speaking. It can be scary, but also, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I still get nervous when public speaking, but it’s gotten better. For example, I don’t mind presenting to small groups of strangers or to large groups of friends, but speaking in front of a large crowd of mostly strangers still sounds like a personal nightmare. I hope to conquer that fear one day; maybe it’ll take booking a trip and telling no one to go perform at The Moth one day (to borrow from a good friend of mine who did exactly that). Until then though, I’ll continue practicing as my friends inevitably always choose me to be the one to give the toasts at a party or the speech at other celebrations.

To wrap things up in a not necessarily succinct fashion: my plan in the new year is to continue practicing patience, embrace the idea of a pivot, and to never overlook footnotes – it’s funny how even a simple footnote could evolve into a simple joy that’s even more beautiful than where it first began*.

*1st footnote in HPP history: I love love & friend love. One can turn into the other or vice versa, and one day you can even luck out to have both. A special shoutout to the person who borrowed my shoulder one New Year, and then left me an inspiring, already year-changing voice memo another. We find ourselves on the verge of tears some days; but at the end of the day, the love and the friend love, one evolving into the other or, better yet, to both, is f*cking beautiful. Cheers to the most beautiful simple joy of 2024 that I already found: loving love & friend love.