take me to church.

I started as an altar kid in the 5th grade. I was so ready for it, too. After all, unlike most kids who play pretend – pretend house, pretend doctor, pretend teacher – my brother Matt and I always played pretend church. I shit you not. It was our idea of a good time at the time. And after years of practice playing pretend, I was so confident that I’d be an all-star Alter Kid. Also unlike most kids, who dream about becoming President one day, I was convinced I would be the first woman Priest of the Catholic Church one day. And obviously, being an Alter Kid would do me well on my resume towards priesthood.

I don’t know which part I was most excited about: having another excuse to spend time with Angie, the 7th grade basketball prodigy at St. Ferdinand who in retrospect, I definitely had a major crunch on, or being able to earn the occasional $10-$25 tip “working” weddings and funerals. And so I prayed. I prayed for more straight people to get married and at the same time, for more deaths, and I was desperate to be paired to altar serve with Angie at any opportunity. Naturally, it was really cool hangin’ with a 7th grader.

My resume read something like this:

Altar Kid, Chicago, 2003-2005

⁃ Carried heavy cross down the aisle, resulting in stronger affinity towards the guy nailed to it (and simultaneously strengthened my arm muscles)

⁃ Held the Bible up for the priest, maintaining perfect posture

⁃ Assisted Priest and nuns as needed; for example, that one time when the Blood of Christ spilled

⁃ Provided excellent customer service for all church goers

What can I say? I was just your basic Catholic school girl: one who wore an embarrassing, plaid skort everyday with a white polo. Except one day a week (my favorite day of the week) when I got to wear sweats and a t-shirt for gym class. (In the timeless words of Princess Nokia, “Who that is ho? That girl is a tomboy.”) Maybe that’s why I made it a career goal to become a priest vs. a nun at the time – I’ve always been a little boy(ish) at heart.

Thankfully, my journey towards priesthood ended abruptly after just a few years when the Priest told me girls could no longer be alter servers. Jokes on you, Jesus. I’m gay and wish I were Jewish now.