Wearing white in the winter is a crime I don’t fully understand, because it beautifully blends in with the snowflakes. But I’m a not a trendsetter, so instead, I wear my white pants all summer to make up for the off-season they inevitably face. And when they come back into play, I realize I’m too broke to invest in overpriced tide-to-go pens, because I’ve been spending all my dollar bills on festivals and drinking with friends which is all good and well, until a stranger accidentally bumps into me at a fest while I’m holding Pinot Noir. Now I wholeheartedly regret not purchasing that tide-to-go pen.
Okay, maybe classifying wearing white in the winter as a crime is an exaggeration but catfishing for sure should be. I can’t think of any catfishing stories that have a happy ending (except for in the movie Love Hard – which I highly recommend watching!). I was catfished once before. I fell hard for a person that was very good with words and seemed like a kind and caring mom. I was young, naive, and loved kids so I figured I could take on a parental role too. Months passed. I loved the texts and phone calls we had. I couldn’t wait to meet her. One excuse led to another and little did I know, I would never meet her. After falling hard, I was ghosted and I wholeheartedly regret ever thinking that relationship would last.
When my mind went on a little vacation of its own, it resulted in all the irresponsible decisions that felt right at the time, but that left me in the deepest hole of regret, a hole I couldn’t dig myself out of. I overspent on multiple plane tickets, soulcycle classes, unnecessarily pricey grocery trips, generous recurring donations. I wrote a lot of erratic things I would never dare to write otherwise that I couldn’t untype after clicking send or submit. I suppose that’s the beauty and curse of having a keyboard at our fingertips at all times. I nearly ruined the relationships that were most precious to me. I wholeheartedly regretted that vacation, and I was relieved when I returned home from it. Yet the regret outweighed the relief, and now I had to face the repercussions. Reflecting back, all I can say is: I can’t believe I did that.
I wish I could wish away regret. Regret makes me feel like I made a wrong decision in my past, when at the time, I couldn’t predict what the future held. However, I could presume that each move I make just opens one of two doors: one that leads towards happiness and the other that leads towards regret. If only I could drill shut the door towards regret, so that I never had to enter its indescribable misery. That feeling of frustration that you just want to flush down the toilet along with all the shit that reminds you that you can’t get rid of regret; you can only choose to forget it exists.
Regret evokes a variety of emotions: sometimes embarrassment, sometimes anger, sometimes frustration, sometimes angst, sometimes loss. When I’m drowning in the depths of regret, I reprimand myself for not realizing the better option the first time around. Regret. We’ve all been there, felt that. That time where you can’t help but think what if, if only, how I wish I could’ve, should’ve… Re-enacting the times that later result in regret is impossible. We must recognize that regret is rooted in something you can’t change, something that’s a part of your past, but that has the potential to inform and improve your future.
Hawaiian Princess Pieces 