waiting…

Has anyone ever thought about how much of life we spend simply waiting? Waiting for class to start, for that uber to arrive, waiting in line for a drive-thru… these minutes add up. We may never count them, but waiting will always be something that we spend a significant, cumulative amount of time doing. So as I wait for my plane to depart from Baltimore to Chicago, I wanted to take time to reflect on a few things I’ve been waiting on recently.

I’ve been waiting to get a tattoo for years now. It’s not even fear keeping me waiting. I’ve been waiting for what that perfect stamp of permanence should be, and I don’t know that I own enough long sleeves to hide it every time I see my parents.

I’ve been waiting for what feels like an eternity for that day the light switch would flip for me to get back to baseline. My brain is beautifully fragile as you may know. But what if baseline is meant to change as time goes by? I’d be standing in the dark for a long, long time. Perhaps baseline is a temporary state of being, until one breaks the barrier inside that believes you’re meant to return to being that exact same person you once were. If you don’t believe in a baseline, it leaves opportunity to be better than your before.

I’ve been waiting for that job that brings me to cloud nine again. I’ve been there more than once now. I can’t pinpoint where my passion stems from: could be the people I work with, the brand I work for, the type of work that I do; or a combination of each. Perhaps it’s just a part of my persona. But as I’ve learned first-hand: work will not love you back. You could be in love with your job and be the highest performing colleague, yet brands will still exploit you even – especially – when you’re most vulnerable.

I’ve been waiting to be accepted by my family as a queer woman. I’ve been trying to remind them that my sexuality is not a sin. I finally am confident in who I’ve become: a loyal partner, a kind friend, a little bit of a goof, an empathetic daughter…. That said, I feel happy and most protected when I’m with the people that choose to accept me.

You shouldn’t have to wait on anything forever. And so, I look forward to my first tattoo, even if that means flaunting it to those that want to criticize me for it. I look forward to crafting a new baseline that looks different than in years past and being okay with whatever it ends up looking like. I look forward to accepting work as a means of paying the bills instead of a love in life. Finally, I look forward to spending as much time as possible with chosen family. While I’ll never be able to avoid it completely, I want to minimize the amount of time spent waiting and maximize the amount of time doing things that make life fulfilling and worthwhile.