february 19th.

My sincerest apologies, friends, Hawaiian Princess has clearly been on hiatus. Since the pandemic, I’ve been seriously lacking content to write about. Life’s been different and I think I stooped real low considering one of the few things I look forward to most these days is Bachelor Mondays. SPOILER: Did y’all hear that Dale and Claire broke up? And that Chris Harrison is stepping down? Anyway, I digress…

Taking a deep breath in.

2020:

The first 1.75 months I was living the dream.

Then it became the year my life got flipped turned upside down. The most unforgettable year in my 27 years of life. The most traumatic year since 2014. The year I learned more about myself than when I came out of the closet. The year my brain was on fire. The year I truly experienced grief for the first time. The year pain replaced passion. The year I learned that loving something wholeheartedly means risking hurting more than ever before. The year I learned that when crises comes, I have so many people that care. The year I’m low-key grateful for.

I promise I’m not just saying that in an attempt to paint sunshine and rainbows in what was a stormy dark year. I needed 2020 on a personal level. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t need nor want a literal global pandemic. The only kind of nice thing that I took away from that was perfecting the smize for pictures while guarded with a mask. Pandemic aside, I needed 2020 to learn to live in the present and to let go of the past.

The past only holds the power that you give it. When you hold onto it too tightly, you’ll find yourself drowning not only in the could’ve, should’ves, but also in the “almosts.”

I almost made that shot.

I almost ran away.

I almost bought that beer.

It was Wednesday, February 19th 2020. I had an appointment set for Monday. I almost made it… but that’s beside the point.

2021:

I blinked twice and it’s already February 2021. I’m a year older. The fear, the grief, the regret, they’re all a part of my past now. Believe it or not, the present also holds the power that you give it.

I’m so happy. We’re literally 6 days out from February 19th, 2021. Just when I thought I’d need a distraction for the traumatic-versary, Grief transformed into fate and I’m grateful. I’m so grateful (follow me @gaylygratitude). I’m grateful 2020 happened (I lived and I learned) and I’m even more grateful to be here in 2021.

We’re still in a pandemic and I still miss a lot of things prior to it: raging at Roscoe’s, working from coffee shops, being able to drink water in public when someone’s less than 6 feet away ..

At the same time, I’m relishing the present moment. Right now, I’m sitting on a futon in a cabin in Watervliet, Michigan while my girlfriend naps, gazing out the windows where the trees are bare and burrowed in snow, the river is icy and a few cars pass by in the distance. It feels like I’m putting in the last piece of a 5000 piece puzzle. I feel overjoyed. I feel complete. I feel so loved. Heck, if my friends making me a 36 minute birthday video isn’t a testament of how incredibly loved I feel today and everyday, I don’t know what is. My friends, Hawaiian Princess is back.

Taking a deep breath out.