This year couldn’t have gone any worse. I struggle to believe it even happened. If I could have any superpower, it’d be to rewind time. For real though, I feel like I’m paying the price for being passionate. For caring about people and the work that I do. For giving all I have in me. That said, time (and therapy) heals all. This year has come with a lot of mixed feelings: the highs of happiness and the lows of sadness. And so, I present to you letters to and from Happiness and Sadness. The first is written by my Sidebraid sister, Lena. I couldn’t have done 2020 without her. I cry everytime I read what’s to follow:
Dear Friend,
You asked if you will ever be me again one day. The truth is you never were me, and you never will be me. You can feel me, dance with me, confuse me for that person in your selfie camera even. But to be me? That’s just not possible.
And why would you want to be me when you can be so much more? You are grit and patience and a rainbow before the storm even begins. You are every little damn thing when you feel like nothing. You are the first breath of fresh air when you step out of hell. You are sad and frustrated and more alive than I’ll ever be.
You are not me because you are so much more than me. You are the reason I exist. Without you, there is no me. You are exactly what this world needs. Don’t you see, your friends and family — they don’t need me. They need you. That’s all they’ll ever need. That’s all you’ll ever need.
So while you’re questioning whether or not you will ever be me again one day, here I am right in front of you, looking for you. I am feeling you and dancing with you. I think about you when I play Someday by Kygo. I want to be you. I want to be you so freakin’ badly. I want to be you for a second, a minute, an hour, a day…I know I cannot be you for a lifetime. Only you can do that. But I am willing to spend a lifetime fighting like hell to be with you in as many moments as possible.
To my friend — my gritty, beautiful, loving, inspiring, irreplaceable friend: take your time. Let it pour. Give this place the most beautiful storm it has ever seen. And when you’re ready, I’ll come find you.
Love,
Happiness
Dear Happiness,
You’re not all you’re cracked out to be. I mean, why is it that people flaunt you and hide me. Just check any social media, you get all the attention. It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s just that to be me and to make me the center of attention, requires vulnerability. And so often, makes people feel guilty.
Everybody wants to be you. I wish I had that effect on people. And I don’t think folks realize that at times, we’re opposite sides of the same coin. Sometimes people laugh so hard they cry; sometimes people cry so hard they end up laughing. I’ve been crying a lot lately and it’s because I’m me – not you.
Look, life is unfair, and I feel like you got the better deal here. One might assume that extroverts can’t feel me but joke’s on them – I will find you when you least expect it. It’s not like people require a trip to the pharmacy every time you creep up on them. With you, it’s piñatas, karaoke machines, carnivals and beers; it’s friends, and French fries and lottery wins. But you know what, I’m here too. I’m here for you. I’m here for happy people too. Because there’s a little bit of me in all of us; I just hit some people harder than others. I’m here because you need me to heal. You will become hopeful, not in spite of me, but because of me.
I’m glad I exist. Because without me, it’d be all sunshine and rainbows all the time, and there’s beauty within the storms too. There’s beauty within me. There’s a reason all of y’all weather the storm. You wouldn’t be able to do it without me!
At the end of the day, even though I’m me more than you most of the time these days, I can’t wait to just be you again. You without me – or just a tiny little dab of me. There I said it. You win. I’ve been me but in overdrive and I miss you. 2020. Enough said. Nonetheless, you’re within reach. I just know it. So let’s agree on one thing: in sickness and in health, there’s a way to strike a balance between both of us. It’s okay for us to be friends; you’ll just always be the cooler one who looks better on Instagram.
Your friend,
Sadness
Hawaiian Princess Pieces 